I can only handle so much

 

This winter has been the hardest one ever, and I’m not talking about the snow.  Just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse after Lee, this week has proved that it can get worse.  MUCH worse.  The new guy on the farm, Gilbert, has proven to be a better choice than Lee, but only because he remains sober.  He’s feeding the horses, which is also a bonus.  With Jamie going out every week to make sure he’s taking care of the horses properly, I think the horses will get through the winter just fine.  Here’s the bad news.  On Monday, we called Gilbert to see how things were going, since he refuses to pick up the phone and call us.  Glenn talked to him for 10 minutes before asking how the dogs were doing and what we heard next had me randomly breaking out in tears for the rest of the week.  And now that I’m typing it, here I go again. *sniff*

We told Gilbert at least a dozen times to not let Heidi, Thor, and Xena outside together.  They have a tendency to take off for the day when they are together and we didn’t want them disappearing or wreaking havoc with the neighbors while we were gone.  Like most things we told him, Gilbert ignored us.  He let Thor and Xena out together on the 18th (six days before we talked to him on Monday) and they had disappeared.  It’s now the 30th and they have still not returned.  Gilbert wasn’t even going to tell us. Jamie has spread the word with the other county shelters and has put an ad in the paper for us.  But at this point, I have given up hope.  Neither of them have ever left for longer than a day.  They have always come back around dark.  It’s winter.  There is a pack of wild dogs roaming the area and then there are the coyotes. 

I simply cannot bear to dwell on what has probably happened.  So I stick to my butterflies and flowers approach and think of them in front of a warm woodstove, being fed and loved by someone new.  So this is my goodbye to them, in the hopes that writing about their disappearance and my loss of faith in their return, that fate will bring them back home just to spite me.

Xena.  Where do I start?  You were the pup I hadn’t planned on and it was uncertain whether or not you’d ever bond with me.  But, oh what a companion you were when we finally did bond!  Loyal to a fault, I was the only human you loved. 

 

The most intelligent of our dogs, you could have learned anything if I had had the time to teach you. I’ll miss the way you were there to say goodbye when I ran to town and you were always waiting at the top of the driveway for me when I returned.

 

I’ll miss the way you and Lucky chased each other around the yard.  I’ll miss the way you used to lie on your back with me in the hammock, your legs in the air and your nose on my neck.

Who’s going to lick the tears from my face now that you’re gone?

 

Thor, I will miss your 100lb body trying to fit in my lap and your grunts of satisfaction when you finally settle on my legs.  I’ll miss the way the cats all loved you and would curl up with you for warmth in the winter.  And the way you chewed on their heads affectionately when you could have easily snapped their necks.

 

I’ll miss the way you’d lay on your back in the sun, legs in the air, jowls hanging down in a goofy upside down grin.  I’ll miss playing fetch with the only dog who ever brought the stick back to me.  I’m going to cry a river when I get home and see this boot still lying in the yard.

 

I’ll miss the safety I felt late at night and alone in the dark - I knew you’d never let anyone get past you. 

 

I hope you’ve found someone new to love and protect.  You deserve it, big guy.

 

I’ll be stepping away from the blog for awhile.  I hope you understand.